We open on En Vogue’s “My Lovin’ (You’re Never Gonna Get It),” following the reveal at the end of episode 1 that John and Daryl had gotten back together—well, at least according to the Post. Carolyn is breezing through the Calvin office, pointing at people to her left, and asking for things to her right, like she is a witness being questioned on Law & Order that simply cannot stop what she’s doing to have a chat for five minutes. In the conference room, a big bouquet of roses awaits her with a note that says “Please forgive me. It’s not what you think,” definitely a less problematic note than “I’m Sorry. I Can’t. Don’t Hate Me—,” but one that still says nothing. He sends three more giant arrangements and Carolyn’s sends them all back—John, you have to relax!
Our prince of Camelot, meanwhile, is trying to launch George magazine. He takes a meeting with a bunch of bozos that don’t understand his vision—Cindy Crawford in a colonial uniform is ICONIC (just ask Jonathan Anderson)—and only took the meeting to be seen at lunch with him. His pitch is really good, making politics sexy and part of pop culture! It’s basically The Daily Show four years before it launched on Comedy Central.
At the gym, where he has his BFF debriefs with his cousin Anthony, he informs him that “Daryl was seen buying a vintage wedding dress in Santa Monica.” Before he can even begin to process how he’s going to deal with all that, an attendant comes in and informs him that his sister Caroline is on the phone from Cornell Hospital. Jackie has been taken there because she has been thrown from a horse (?), but then when we get there she seems fine so it’s a little confusing. From her hospital bed, the matriarch takes the opportunity to confront John on his new business idea and rail against the whole magazine industrial complex, “I’m just trying to understand why you’d join the ranks of an industry that’s profited off our family’s misfortune for years. Generations, actually!” When John tries to compare it to her and Caroline working in book publishing, she’s basically like John, please be serious, that’s an intellectual pursuit! It’s a beautiful level of subtle shade. Then John confesses that he just “can’t stand waiting for his life to start.” “I’m 33 years old, when dad was my age, he was a father, a best-selling author, a congressman, and a war hero,” he says, feeling like all he has to offer is being People’s Sexiest Man Alive.
Back at Calvin, the holy trinity (Calvin, his wife Kelly, and Carolyn) have gathered with their corporate lawyer to discuss the latest shenanigans of bad boy Marky Mark, currently the face of the label, who’s out there picking fights with Madonna and being your run-of-the-mill homophobe. “He’s a loud-mouthed rapper from Boston, people don’t give a shit if he’s politically correct or not,” says the lawyer, to which Carolyn responds, “So neither should we? That’s a hell of a mission statement…” cementing her status as an ally to the LBGTQ community. The whole scene is maybe the most accurate representation of fashion office-banter. As they decide to find a new male star that can sensually and unproblematically state that nothing comes between him and his Calvins, the playful intro to The Breeders’ “Cannonball” starts to play because… why not.
Then finally, we get a glorious full serving of Dree Hemingway-as-Daryl Hannah. John is “shooting a thing for PBS,” when she suddenly appears (she always suddenly appears!), ready to see John “in action.” In like three minutes she requests “candy, actually, anything sour” when a PA asks if she’d like “coffee or tea” out of courtesy, comments on the “small crew” and how it reminds her of her “early days” and how it’s “what real filmmaking should feel like.” He doesn’t want to run lines with her, so she takes it personally and low-key shades him: “I thought you might want my input since I’m an actual actor.” He can’t stand her, she’s clueless and yet somehow knows exactly what she is doing and it is GORGEOUS WORK!
Carolyn arrives at the party celebrating Kelly Klein’s book about pools—yes, pools—and on the soundtrack Björk sings “if you ever get close to a human and human behavior, be ready be ready to get confused,” which is honestly not not something I think about any time I am at a fashion function. She spots her favorite doorman-slash-aspiring model slinging drinks wearing only black boxer briefs and immediately pounces on him like a hyena. Then John walks in and she retracts her claws. She’s still pretending to not be interested, but makes a point to seek him out of course—she’s playing hard to get, she’s not stupid! He tries to explain whatever’s going on with Daryl but Carolyn is all you don’t owe me an explanation, I get it! You guys are both famous and therefore made for each other! I live on planet Earth! She says, “Let’s just be friends!” (sure), and he responds with, “I just wish I could explain to you how even the simplest things can become so complicated for me. How badly I wish I was someone else when I met you.” Carolyn stares at him for a few seconds (probably internally screaming) and then just says “It is what it is. I’ll see you around,” and walks away. Obviously she ends the night in bed with her boy toy after she sees him leaving the party, takes a drag of her cigarette and says to him “hey, did they let you keep that uniform?” referring to his tiny boxer shorts. Listen and learn, kids!
The morning after she’s like hey Michael (ok yeah, his name is Michael—and when you Google him you will also find that IRL, he has written a book about his time with Carolyn that alleges they carried on an affair even after she married John, very classy stuff), anyway she takes Michael shopping… to her place of employment and decks him out in Calvin. “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have!,” she says! Afterwards, they’re walking down the street together when he just starts doing pull-ups on some scaffolding that just so happens to be in front of a bunch of Calvin Klein wheatpaste ads of Marky Mark and Kate Moss. She gets a twinkle in her eye. Guess who she’s going to recommend become the new (non-homophobic) face (body) of Calvin Klein?
John gets back to his apartment depressed as heck to find that Daryl is blasting The Stone Roses’ “I Wanna Be Adored,” and hosting a hippie happening. Her friends are blowing rails from a silver (literal) presidential platter of some sort and she doesn’t get why he’s annoyed. “You have Kennedy memorabilia everywhere!,” she tells him as if… it’s not… his family… memorabilia? (But also keep in mind she was randomly doing a headstand when he walked in.) They have a fight, and she says “All I want is for you to need me as much as I need you,” in a perfectly desperate melismatic tone. He’s like, girl what does that even mean? And she’s like “Between your lineage and your heritage you’re like the poster child for emotional avoidance!” Yes, she is totally bananas, but she is dropping BARS!
The next evening John and Daryl join Jackie, Caroline and her husband Edwin for dinner. The silence is deafening, and I can’t help but think of “Dysfunctional Family Dinner,” one of the all-time great ’90s SNL sketches where the clink of forks and knives against plates play a starring role. Except, oh wait, they’re not having dinner with Jackie at all, as she sends her butler to announce that she’s “not feeling well and will be taking dinner in her room but sends her regrets.”(!!!) Everyone is shocked (but not that shocked), Daryl throws a hissyfit, gets up, and leaves John just sitting there until Caroline artfully signals with her eyes for him to go take care of his girlfriend. Standing out in the middle of the street Daryl’s like, your mom hates me because I’m a blonde actress just like Marilyn Monroe! All John can muster is this face 😵💫. I think they’re both right.
Back at his (their?) Tribeca place, Daryl is packing a suitcase. “No one is gonna love you like I love you John!” she says sounding simultaneously like a cry for help and also Lifetime domestic abuser. “No one is gonna be able to put up with all the cameras and the tabloids and your family!” They’ve been dating for 5 years and he doesn’t want to put a ring on it and she’s over it. She gives him an ultimatum and goes to LA. He takes their dog Hank for a walk, and the dog runs off. It gets hit by a car. The dog is cremated and placed in a golden urn. He flies to Los Angeles—ashes in tow—to meet Daryl as Duran Duran’s “Come Undone” plays.
Jackie calls on the phone as he’s leaving the apartment, she leaves a message on his machine that she’s just “checking in” after her little stunt the other night. She hangs up the phone, walks a few steps, and collapses on the floor of her living room. “Who do you need? Who do you love? When you come undone?” Simon Le Bon sings as the credits roll.
Things We Learned About Calvin Klein:
- He demands black paper clips only. “There’s a Staples on 57th and 3rd, he’s fired people for a lot less,” Carolyn tells her new assistant.
- “He hates full-body shots, he thinks he has chicken legs.”
- And in a particularly great exchange...
Carolyn: “He doesn’t like being compared to Ralph...”
Assistant: “...Lauren?”
Carolyn: “No, Macchio.”
Assistant: Stares blankly
Carolyn: “...The Karate Kid?”
Carolyn! She’s made to feel ancient by her young coworkers just like us!
Best Line Delivery of the Episode:
Carolyn to the lawyer making a point that Marky Mark only called a guy “a homo”:
“Yeah, he’s practically Harvey Milk.”
Cigarettes Count
Carolyn: 3
Jackie: 1 - in bed, with dinner, as you do.
